Good for you for putting your relationship with God—and your ability to stay and influence change for good—above the personal hurt you feel!

May I offer a couple of suggestions? These come from my life in the Church and also as a business/leadership coach. The following two principles have a huge impact on our own sense of peace—and they are powerful for influencing others around us.

1) Carefully clarify before reaching any negative conclusion. Look for ALL the possible explanations for why something is happening, then keep looking if your conclusion is negative. If it’s still negative, ask them to make sure you got it right. In my experience, a negative conclusion (about what someone did or why they did it) is wrong 95% of the time because of the fundamental attribution error we all tend to make. We are too unimaginitive about other people’s motives or the realities of a situation, but we usually give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. I teach this principle all the time and I STILL find myself making this mistake, especially when emotion is involved.

Example: In 1999, I attended a regional conference in Nashville, TN with a non-LDS friend (“Dandy” Bandy) who was interested in the Church. Elder Erying spoke. Afterwards I asked Dandy how he liked it. He said it was a good experience, but Elder Eyring’s actions during the closing prayer bothered him. “I don’t know what made me do it, but for some reason I opened my eyes during the prayer and saw him on the stand, shuffling his papers with his eyes open, like he wasn’t paying attention at all.” I assured Dandy that I knew Elder Eyring was a man of God from recent, personal, life-changing experience with him, I was 100% certain there was an excellent explanation, and I explained this principle. Neither of us could figure out a likely reason, however, and the conversation moved on. (Dandy joined the Church soon afterwards.)

Years ago, I told that story to Steve Montrose, an LDS friend and business associate. As his business coach, I was helping him look at a thorny business problem involving someone else’s actions. Steve said, “I can’t think of a good reason for Elder Eyring to be doing that either. I’d sure like to know why it happened.” Steven wasn’t judging or concerned, he was just puzzled. I assured him that there was a good reason, Steve agreed, and we moved on. I may have offered a prayer after that, asking for insight to understand, but I soon forgot about the conversation.

A week later, I sat in an inspiring stake leadership meeting like the one I attended in 1999 with Dandy. During the closing prayer, while my mind was focused on the prayer, an impression suddenly flooded into my mind, giving me an answer (and counsel to pass on) about the problem Steve Montrose faced. I silently expressed appreciation for the insight and continued listening to the prayer. The Spirit whispered, “write the impression down.” I agreed to do it after the prayer, and I continued listening to the prayer with my eyes closed. “Write it down NOW!” insisted the Spirit.

“Ahhhhh!” I said to myself as I opened my eyes, shuffled through my papers to find my notebook, and recorded the impression during the prayer. I was LIVING the likely reason for Elder Eyring’s actions a decade before. Two answers had come in one experience.

Only now, as I write this, do I ALSO realize that during that very conference, Elder Eyring had been teaching us the importance of recording our spiritual impressions and acting on them right away, the instant they come to us! It appears that Elder Eyring actually practices what he preaches, and the Lord is more concerned with us recording and acting on the whisperings of the still, small voice than He is concerned about closing our eyes and bowing our heads during every prayer.

“For it is the Spirit that giveth life and not the letter; yea, the letter killeth.” (From memory via Elder Packer., 1980 or 1981 Conference talk.)

P.S. The important part is above, but “lest we should offend them” (Matthew 17:27), here is my favorite explanation for the “bullying” you experienced:

The emails you describe exactly match the behavior of many viruses that infect computers nowadays. Your computer does not need to be infected. The spoofing usually takes place on someone else’s computer and uses their address list, so it looks like the filthy messages (advertising to a virus-infected site) came from you. This subtle approach makes it harder for people to find the infected computer and fix the problem, making further infections more likely. So make sure you carefully clarify before reaching a negative “bullying” conclusion!

2) Follow the Lord’s pattern for resolving offences. The Lord and his servants are so smart! Whether in the Church or in business, the only right way to resolve a problem like this is found in DC 42:88-93 (and less perfectly recorded in Matthew 18:15-17):

88 And if thy brother or sister offend thee, thou shalt take him or her between him or her and thee alone; and if he or she confess thou shalt be reconciled.

89 And if he or she confess not thou shalt deliver him or her up unto the church, not to the members, but to the elders. And it shall be done in a ameeting, and that not before the world.

90 And if thy brother or sister offend many, he or she shall be chastened before many.

91 And if any one offend openly, he or she shall be rebuked openly, that he or she may be ashamed. And if he or she confess not, he or she shall be delivered up unto the law of God.

92 If any shall offend in secret, he or she shall be rebuked in secret, that he or she may have opportunity to confess in secret to him or her whom he or she has offended, and to God, that the church may not speak reproachfully of him or her.

93 And thus shall ye conduct in all things.

This is an important, powerful principle in business and in the Church. Any other approach will do damage.

Examples of well-intentioned but very damaging approaches people sometimes try:

Going to the leader or bishop first. This could prejudice the bishop against them, and neither of you will have all the information you need to get a good resolution. A wise bishop will teach the principles in this section and send you back to discuss with them first, reassuring you that if you can’t get a good resolution, you should come back to him and the three of you will resolve it together. (Exception: In cases of abuse or danger to you or others, get an empowered authority figure involved first so everyone stays safe. However, that authority needs to do a lot of non-judgmental listening first, before offering correction!)
The leader or bishop takes it to the other person for you. Best case, this will waste a lot of time. Worst case, it will create bad feelings between everyone, including the other person and the leader! Why? This prevents two-way communication between you and the person who may have offended you. That communication is crucial for becoming “of one heart, and one mind,” which is essential for teamwork and a Zion people This approach also takes incomplete, negative conclusions to the second person without allowing them to clarify, so the second person will feel unfairly judged (rightly so) by both the leader and the person who felt offended.
The leader or bishop takes it to the other person confidentially, without disclosing who you are. This is the worst of all. In addition to all the problems of #2, the second person now feels
like “anyone or everyone” has a negative opinion of them. This creates a hostile environment overall.

Don’t go there. Instead, prayerfully consider a good way to discuss the situation with them. then ask for their perspective in a relaxed way. Honestly listen. Reconsider your assumptions. You’ll almost always be reconciled. If not, THEN go to the leader and ask for a 3-way to resolve it.

And remember that 95% of the time, it’s not going to be nearly as bad as you thought. Things are usually far more positive than we imagine.

I remember once, when living in the Cascade 2nd ward, a new kid moving in. I jumped on this as my chance to shift people’s attention away from bullying me. I think I was 10, maybe 11. So I started trying to harass the kid, hoping people would follow my lead and eventually leave me alone. Turns out I was the last one to find out the kid’s dad was BYU’s new athletic director, which meant that none of the kids would ever harass him, no matter what he did. My point: Some kids try bullying to deal with bullying.

When I was 12, I vowed to always be nice to everyone. Always. So long as I’ve kept that vow, it has always served me well.